un-defining roles of Mama and Papa

This topic has come up in so many conversations with other moms and dads. Hundreds of years ago, or even just 50 years ago, there wasn’t really much of an option for a woman with 2 kids at home. Mama stayed at home and took care of the family, made meals, washed dishes, cleaned the house and had dinner on the table when her husband (provider) came home. And there also weren’t that many choices for Papa. He left the house in the morning, went and worked all day to make money (or barter goods) so that he could provide food and necessities for his family. If Mama didn’t want to make dinner one night there wasn’t really a choice. She just did it. And Papa went to work even when the surf was up and firing. There were certain expectations of each other, but I wonder if it was easier and there was less conflict because a lack of choice and there were set roles.

Being “Mama” has different meanings now-a-days. I can be a mom, an entrepreneur, a cook, a friend that goes out to dinner with the girls once a week, a volunteer, a lover, an errand runner, a practicer of yoga and running on the beach because I get a babysitter a few times a week or my husband has a flexible schedule.  “Papa” can work from home, or work half days, surf when the waves are up, call in sick, be a stay at home dad, work part-time, hang with the guys. Whatever he wants to do, within reason. Both of us can at least have options and explore the boundaries of our “Role” as a mother or father.

So what happens if I’m bringing in 15% of the income, and he is providing the rest, and one night I don’t want to make dinner? Am I still expected to because of past roles that women had? Or what is it that makes me still feel as though I’m responsible? And why do I still do all the loads of laundries and clean the house? I’m not saying this is my life exactly, but I think that this is occurring in many homes across the world. There are no clear roles for many women and men. What if dad stays at home with the kids for a few days while mom seeks out a new career? Does he do the cleaning and cooking and arrange for the occasional babysitter if he needs some “free” time? Maybe. I’m sure that some families have taken the time and energy to create defined (yet blurry) roles, even if they aren’t set or as we once thought of them.

I guess there is beauty in NOT creating definition or labels. The beauty in letting every day be different for both of us and really honoring our feelings. And also really respecting the other one and his or her feelings. Paying attention to your partner’s needs and working together to run a household, get everyone fed, pay the bills, save money for fun stuff, keep clothes clean, and honor independence and a network of friends. And maybe a new dress here and there:).