Thoughts on Being- In Pursuit of Magic, Balance and Surrendering to the Mystery

Spencer and I got to have dinner with Martin Hubbard the other night. He is the master thinker behind a book on thoughts called Reversing the Senses. My experience with him turned out to be very inspiring, thoughtful, and humbling.

I was explaining in an entertaining, dramatic, humorous way about how each child has represented something in my life from the moment of conception until this present moment. Let me diverge….

Gavin was made in Mallorca. In a beautiful little coastal town Colonia de St. Jordi. Full of more Germans than Spaniards. We were eating the best olives we have ever tasted, drinking smooth wines, and snacking on fresh baguettes. And staying in a little bed and breakfast above a gelateria. We were In Between Dreams, while on a break from touring around the world with Jack Johnson and his family. Life was magical. Spending nights in lovely hotels, playing with two sweet and fun little boys in global cities, spending time on a tour bus, and playing back stage while being serenaded just walls away. We had three weeks between Germany and Boston to go wherever we wanted just the two of us. And we decided that with only a couple months left on tour, we were open to the idea of having a baby ourselves.

After two weeks of floating in the Mediterranean Sea, seeing family, eating almonds off the tree, discovering the most inspiring and magical of towns (Deia), and walking on cobblestone streets, we spent three days in Rome before flying to Boston to meet back up with the Johnsons.

Our first morning in Rome, we were greeted with the most delicious cappuccino we have ever had. And it guided us through the streets of Rome in bliss. Wandering and wondering if there was a baby inside of me. I felt like I was walking with light within me. Magic from my womb. Mother’s intuition guided me into a farmacia to buy a pregnancy test before we had a glass of wine. I carried it in my purse until we found a bathroom which happened to be in a bar “Il Taverno de Gemelii” right across from the Trevi Fountain. I came out of the bathroom, Spencer stared at me “SO?”….. and I said “I don’t know!!!!”

Spencer “Well how can you not know?!”

Me “I don’t speak Italian and it’s a word on the stick!”

Spencer “Let me see it!”

I showed him the test and he read “Incinta”

We both had a feeling that it meant pregnant, but weren’t quite sure. So the next farmacia we passed, we went in and said “incita?” and I pointed to my belly. The ladies exclaimed and cheered and smiled and hugged me.

I was pregnant. In Rome. We did what any couple would do….. and went and bought a linen suit and had it tailored for Spencer and I went and picked out linen pants and a couple tops.

And then went and ate an Italian meal over-looking the Colosseum. https://buenviajes.wordpress.com/2008/08/02/incinta/

My pregnancy with Gavin was magical. And it carried through to his birth which felt like a dream. The month following his birth proved to be magical in our little mountain retreat center surrounded by bamboo groves and a river and trails. https://buenviajes.wordpress.com/2009/03/

Not to say that there were no trying moments those first couple of years with Gavin, but I felt like we were surrounded by fairy dust most of the time. And life with Gavin has been pretty magical. His mind seems to be going down pathways that I don’t yet understand and he creates things and ideas that are out of my realm. He is mindful, caring, deep, and insightful. Today while the midwife was measuring my belly, he walked over and set a piece of paper on my belly and walked away. I opened it up and it said “I LoVe YoU ConnEr.”

Of course not all these details were given to the Thought Guy. But you get my point…. I was explaining my experience and thoughts on Gavin and what he represents to me.

I then told him about my experience with Deia, also since the moment of conception.

Same thing, we said were ready for another soul. A brother or sister for Gavin. And several days later I became violently ill with a stomach bug. And crying and yelling all at the same moment. It was too soon for a pregnancy test to reveal that I was pregnant, but I was sick. And unsure if it was from a stomach bug or baby. Sure enough I was pregnant, and eating my words on morning sickness being in women’s minds. Ha! This was not in my mind. This thing was all day and night and made me flee the house when certain foods were being cooked. It made me eat Cheeze-its and Betty Crocker muffins. Bagels with cream cheese and ice cream sandwiches. The Universe was teaching me about balance. And the entire pregnancy was filled with many lessons on balance…. within, with people, with food, with money, alone time, social life, opinions, conscious living, parenting and the Spirit world. I definitely feel like I was being taught something. Something greater than myself was guiding me, but I am not sure I was ready to fully surrender my mind. I felt it, I trusted it, I loved it, but I gave it too much energy in a HEADY way. But, that unforeseen force was ultimately guiding me to the balance I needed to find in life. 9 months later, Deia Soleil was born (on October 1st which is the sign of Libra; Balance), after a much more intense birth than with Gavin. It was longer, more painful and more “planned out” due to my headiness. https://buenviajes.wordpress.com/2011/10/

Spirit and Deia were here to balance me out. I haven’t been able to have that full realization until the last year or so. The first few weeks of her life, she was projectile vomiting because she was allergic to the gluten via my breast milk. So after 9 months of eating starchy foods and too much sugar, she gave me no alternative but to eliminate gluten and sugar from my diet. Those were just two things that I couldn’t eat. She was sensitive to a lot. While I was only eating about 15 different items those first few months, I also got hit with a parasite that I struggled to get rid of for about 6 weeks. I don’t feel that Deia actually was the negative force behind any of this, but I feel like with her came all these life lessons for me which I struggled to learn, but ultimately what she was helping me to learn was BALANCE. Of the mind, body, spirit. Of the heart and the head. On being spiritual, or feeling spiritual. The last 3.5 years has been full of these intense life lessons for me…. all based around balance. Many of them are based around humility, surrender, trust….and ultimately BALANCING out my life as a mother and wife and friend and daughter. I can share stories of our struggle to get her to sleep, getting kicked out of TJ Maxx when she was 9 months, and many others. Today while the midwife was placing the doppler on my stomach to hear the baby’s heart beat and kindly asking Deia if she wanted to listen, Deia just ran over to Spencer and started licking his face making weird faces. The other day at the dentist she almost bit the dentists’ hand because he asked her if she was excited to be a big sister.

So the Thought Man said, “Well how are your thoughts shaping these two experiences?” And a good friend encouraged me to really pay attention to how I was expressing my experiences of the two kids. And it really did hit me. I know that Deia and Gavin will both read this one day. And I never want to sugar coat anything, but I also don’t want to be misunderstood.

Dear Deia, I am so grateful for EVERY single experience I have had with you. Sometimes it’s the hardest most intense moments that prove to be the most enlightening. You haven’t sugar coated things for me- yet once I let go of my mind and surrender to you and the experience you give me, I feel my heart and spirit guiding me to this BALANCE and grace that I so desire. You are my teacher in such a subtle, yet glaring way. Not to mention the humor and laughter that you give us on a daily basis. Which also brings so much balance to our family. From the moment you were born I felt like your eyes were intensely staring into my soul. And I now know they were. They still do. You are this earthly angel that is here to guide me, whether the lessons are easy or hard for me to learn. Thank you, Sweet Girl. More reflections on YOU

So as I was telling my midwife about these two experiences and what they bring me, we wondered about this third baby. Conner. Who is supposedly a boy. Well, if I had to guess off the past 8 months, I would say something along the lines of mystery, surprise, or shock. Only time will tell…..

As for now, I’m thinking about how I want to feel during Conner’s birth as after the birth. I want to feel rested, graceful, in trust of the unknown, faithful, grounded, healthy, rested, loving, peaceful, joyful, abundant, prosperous, secure, safe, creative, inspired, connected, independent, balanced, magical, and rested. I surrender to the mystery of this lil guy!